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Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Grandma O

My grandmother passed away on March 7th of this year. Though she was getting frail and admittingly we could see she was getting tired...it was still unexpected all the same. 

She was like another mother to me. In fact, I use to say I had two mothers when I was little. 

This first picture is of my grandmother and her sister... but you couldn't tell me that when I was younger. I would swear up and down that that was "me and grandma" when we were little together. She loved that story. She loved it so much she drug the picture along to share the story at my rehearsal dinner. Oh, how I miss her. 

Selflessly, I was immediately angry of her passing. Angry that I didn't say goodbye (the way I wanted). Angry that she didn't hang on longer. Angry that she never got to meet my daughter. Angry that I will never get to touch, hug her and kiss her again. I know that there is a reason for everything, and I will one day find peace in the timing.

I wrote the following letter several years ago and my noisy mother found it and passed it along to my grandmother.  My grandmother loved it, framed it and hung it in her room. Though embarrassing at the time, I take some comfort in knowing she knew how i felt about her long before she left us. (I wrote this a long time ago when we first found out she cancer the first time)

Dear Grandma, 
The thought of death will make you do and say things you might not before. These are my thoughts; they have always been there but never told and expressed to the ones that should hear them.
So, I wanted to tell you things that I hope you already know in your heart.Words on paper may not make my feelings anymore real to you but I feel they will to me. You have been the only grandmother I have even known. Because my father's mother passed away before I was even a twinkle in my father's eye; the thought of two grandmothers does not exist in my mind. I have many, many memories of you in my heart. And as I look at your life as a whole, it is beautiful. I respect every aspect of your life story.
This is not a goodbye letter. This is a milestone letter. Just a little to tell you I LOVE YOU. I want you to be in my life forever but I know there will come a day when are time together is no longer. I will feel better knowing that I had you sit down and feel my love for you.

A small tid-bit of memories: The donut shop, mash potatoes with a pound of butter, a Christmas book you would read to Laura and me over and over again while putting our names with the little girl characters, refrigerator boxes and into houses, George!!, your heart necklace  your hands that have so much personality, Christmas mornings, you and granddad's birthday cards, your calendar on your freezer, how I loved to play on your type writer, Suzie the Squirrel, Thanksgivings and Easters at your house, the random places you use to hide things, the day you showed Laura and me all your jewelry, you are my favorite baby-sitter, the loud staircase, the way the fan would make a noise while I went to sleep in your back bedroom. There are so many many more memories that will never fade.

I can not go much longer without posting some wonderful pictures of her during her lifetime. She had wonderful stories, traveled all over, had five kids, and was the greatest grandmother on the planet.

She is the one on the left. 

She is the reason I am a lot of things.
She is the reason why I am tall (She was 6ft)
She is the reason why I have red hair.
She is the reason why I am creative. 
She is the reason why I am a lot of things.
She is the reason why money will never buy my happiness.
She is the reason why I don't care what people think.
She is the reason why I LOVE mash potatoes.
She is the reason I am a lot of things.

Happy Birthday Grandma, I miss you like crazy.

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